I first became aware of the negative consequences of being overly independent in the 1980s when I took Hakomi Therapy training with its founder Ron Kurtz. The system was inspired by the work of psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich who had combined the work of his teacher (Sigmund Freud himself) to explore the connection between the psyche and our physical body.
My body type was what Reich called a compensated-oral, which Ron had thankfully renamed to the more positive-sounding "Self-Reliant." People with this body type/psychic orientation react to stress by concluding ‘I have to do it myself because there is no one here for me’.
Out of the sixty-one years I've been on this planet, probably at least fifty-three of them have been dominated by this need to control my surroundings. My dad still tells the story of how, as a two-year old, I would demand a wet washcloth when eating in my high chair, just in case any food spilled I would wipe it up immediately. Clearly, I learned at an early age that if you want to get something done you had to do it yourself.
On the up side, a self-reliant is a motivated individual who knows how to take control of a situation and get things done; but there is a down side to that particular personality trait - you do not know how to ask for help.
My experience and training as a meditator has taught me that this Self-Reliant voice only takes over the mind's operating system when I'm out of balance. It's my default defense mechanism, and when activated it creates a feeling of being all alone. As a result, I believe (incorrectly) that I have to take control because if no one is there for me, then who else is going to do it?
Unfortunately, this society valorizes this type of behavior, ignorant of the fact that it leaves people lost at sea without a sail, an engine, or even an oar in order to get them safely back to shore.
Gary as a lonely Self-Reliant, 1973
Fast forward to 2011. For the last six years I have been writing The Swami And The Married Woman, a memoir of how Radha and I discovered yoga, met, fell in love and lived happily ever after. As Radha will surely testify, part of this 'happily ever after' included learning to live with someone whose erroneous core belief causes him to think he has to do everything himself – not exactly a recipe for intimacy.
But, when this is erroneous core belief isn't activated, I can handle the stress without cutting off others from my process. I have come to notice that there are two self-reliants within me. One is unhappy and lonely; the other is confident, flexible and encourages others to be a part of his process.
Gary as a content Self-Reliant, 38 years later
I appreciate that the work Radha and I have undertaken in the past few months has given me the tools to deal with the pressures without falling back into self- limiting old patterns. Just thinking about all that has to be done to accept the amazing invitations we've been receiving can be a bit overwhelming – our memoir, the Enlightening Moments book and manual, seminars, my consulting work, my private clients, my hatha classes – it takes a lot of practice to respond to these demands without falling into my self-limiting belief.
Moreover, it takes a lot of patience from those around me. This is why I appreciate Radha, our assistant Kalyani, and all the loving, supportive members of our spiritual community (sangha). Learning to ask others for help is a rewarding process, and you know what? It feels good to acknowledge weaknesses, limitations and that lonely feeling tightening around my chest.
I am ready to move forward by making friends with my self-reliant nature.
