second excerpt from Chapter 1: "He Says, She Says"

“… Gary left his monastic vows in 1977 to marry his wife Radha, the lovely woman who captured the swami’s heart. They have been married nearly thirty years and travel the world teaching yoga and meditation. Together they lead seminars and help others to grow by sharing their relationship tools. So without further delay, I now present to you our dear friend Gary ‘Gopal’ Bello.”

I stood up and began making my way from the audience to the stage. Although outwardly calm, I felt taken aback by Robert’s introduction. Radha was not the reason I left my monastic vows, and as soon as the words left his mouth I felt a tightness in my chest. The walk to the front of the auditorium allowed me time to recover, and I lengthened my exhalations as I walked up the steps . A large black armchair with a small table and bouquet of flowers occupied the middle of the stage, and I sat down pulling my legs into a cross-legged position. As Robert clipped a lapel microphone to my purple shirt, I looked out at the room. It was the first time I had spoken at Satchidananda ashram in over twenty-five years, and I didn’t want my reaction to prevent me from connecting with the audience.

I spent the next hour recounting my introduction to yoga and the early days of the Integral Yoga Institute with my teacher Swami Satchidananda. The audience enjoyed my tales of the early Seventies and anecdotes of India, and my mind let go of Robert’s comment until later that night.

“Can you believe he said that?”

My wife and I were in bed, reviewing our financials. We were closing on a house in Vancouver in April, but our home in Florida had been sitting without an offer for more than a year. Carrying a second mortgage was going to be cutting it close. “Said what?” I asked.

“That I was the reason you stopped being a swami.”

“I'm sure he was only trying to pay you a compliment. Robert has a good heart.” I returned my attention to the paperwork and the room fell quiet. Too quiet.

“Hon, I want to talk about this.”

I recognized the sound of a hurt little girl in my wife’s voice, and I set aside the notepad. “Wow, it really touched something deep, didn’t it?”

“Of course it did. How would you like it if people had been repeating rumors about you for the past thirty years?”

“I don’t think it’s really as bad as that is it?”

“Obviously it is or else Robert wouldn’t have brought it up in front of two hundred people. He knows we’re teaching first thing in the morning, and now everyone’s going to be looking at me like I'm the woman who swooped in and carried off their precious Swami Sudhananda.”

Radha was more affected than I had initially realized. “I reacted for a moment too, hon.”

“Really? You couldn’t tell from the audience.”

“Well, it was subtle, but it was there.”

“What happened with you?”

I tossed the pillow to the foot of the bed and positioned myself so that I was directly across from Radha. I looked her in the eyes as I began, “When Robert made that comment, I noticed a definite tightness in my chest.”

“Me, too.”

“I didn’t want people to blame you for my decision to leave my vows.”

Radha thought for a moment. “Did I?”

“No. I wanted out before I met you, but I hadn't made a decision.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I was afraid of being rejected by Swamiji. You remember the shape I was in when I showed up at the dome. All I could think about was how to leave the vows without being kicked out of the organization.”

“That’s how I remember it too, but I wasn’t sure if it still looked that way in retrospect.”

“It does, but I had an issue with Robert introducing you as the woman who ‘captured my heart.’ It happened in the blink of an eye, and my mind created a story that I had to set the record straight.”

“I'm glad you didn’t take that route.”

“I learned a long time that you don’t need me to defend you.” Gopal took my hand. “What happened with you?”

Radha responded, “I got pissed. I felt attacked. It felt like they believed it was my fault.”

“You didn’t believe that story did you?” I gently asked.

“Now that you mention it, I guess I did. I've been thinking about his comment for the past two hours.”

“I wonder what the issue is underneath?”

Radha closed her eyes and took another deep breath. The intonation of her voice changed as she whispered, “I felt judged.”

A Duck Gave Me "The Look"

Radha and I drove up A1A yesterday on the way back from our dear friend and chiropractor Gary Burns. It was a warm and delicious Friday afternoon and I had the top down, letting the sun shine on us as we debriefed the events of the past week.

It had been an intense few days, filled with teaching hatha classes, hosting our Enlightening Relationships group on Wednesday, and preparing for our Enlightening Moments workshop on Sunday. Out of nowhere I began laughing, remembering what had happened earlier.

"A duck gave me the look this morning," I said.

"Where?" Radha asked.

"On the way to Quail Ridge. It was waiting to cross the road and stared at me."

"That’s amazing,” she smiled. “Did it make it across?”

“I don’t know but it looked me right in the eyes as I drove past.”

“This was one smart duck," Radha replied.

"No kidding," I laughed.

"You're gonna love this... Yesterday I noticed a cat doing the same thing at Woolbright. This confirms Darwin’s theory you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Only the aware survive!” she chuckled.

I turned on the sound system so we could listen to Diana Krall’s Quiet Nights. With the music playing, we enjoyed the first relaxing day since Radha’s ear operation in December. After ten minutes she announced, “Hey, I can hear the sound vibrating in my left ear.”

“Really?” I turned to look at her. For the last five weeks she had been recuperating. The surgeon had just removed the packing in her ear and her newly constructed eardrum was working. For the first time in ten years she was hearing sound from both ears.

“Wow! My entire head is vibrating with the sound. I love it!”

“I am so happy that this ordeal is over,” I said to her. Taking her hand, my mind turned once more to the duck. I began laughing.

“You remembering the duck again?"

I smiled at her. “You read my mind.”

“I really love how humor is such a huge part of our life,” she said.

I nodded as we pulled into the driveway of our rental home and turned off the car engine. The CD continued to play and we looked up at the beautiful clear sky, enjoying the music together. I spoke, “That's what I love about being with you.”

“Me too.” Radha smiled as Diana started singing "Walk On By." “I love this song.”

“Hey, I just got how we can share GRACE with our Enlightening Moments group.” We planned on deepening their experience of GRACE, the anagram described the five steps we offer in order to transform an upsetting situation into an enlightening moment.

“Tell me,” she answered.

I pushed the button putting the top up on the car. “Let’s request that everyone come with an uplifting joke to share with the group.”

“I like that,” she responded. “We can write it into our blog article combining it with your duck story.”

“Great idea," I answered. "I’ll send them an email telling them to check our blog.”

“You can add the Guru cartoon to it.”

“You think they will get it?”

“Hey, only the aware survive!” she said.

A line of "aware" ducks from our trip to Bali in 1979.

The guru cartoon.

We invite you to leave your own joke, combining the pictures above.

excerpt from Chapter 1: "He Says, She Says"

“Usually I just found a quiet, deserted place on campus, but that day something called me to the beach. I was celebrating the end of another harsh Canadian winter, and although it was off limits to staff and participants, I easily rationalized that my position of responsibility entitled my indiscretion. I drove the Institute’s Datsun down to the public beach and laid out my orange towel.”

Radha jumped in, “Wait, you gotta tell them the rest.”

I took a dramatic pause and then stated, “Oh yeah… I even had matching orange Speedos.” The entire room burst into laughter and Radha began shaking her head as she put her hands over eyes.

“So here I was, minding my own business, watching the clouds pass overhead, very serene… until she shows up,” I motioned to my left. “What was it you said, hon?”

“I didn’t say anything!” she exclaimed. “You were the one who started talking.”

“Now see, this is why you can't believe your stories. Radha and I have totally different memories about who spoke first that day. In fact, about the only thing we agree on is that it was cool and cloudy. This single situation created two very different stories, and that’s going to be the focus of our time together – learning to tell the difference between the situation and your story about it.” I saw several heads bobbing gently in agreement. “First, I'm going to tell you what really happened, and then Radha is going to tell her crazy version of that day.”

She shook her head. “Can you actually believe I've been married to this guy since 1977?”

The audience giggled and I resumed my story. “I didn’t know Radha’s name at this point, but I recognized her from the day before as the woman who had been scrubbing the stairs in a white peasant top, cut way too low.”

“It was not cut too low,” she defended. “I wasn’t wearing a bra and you were looking down my shirt.”

I laughed, “I was a swami. I didn’t do things like that. Besides, I still remember the embroidery along the chest.”

“No, that was a different shirt.”

“Well, whatever you were wearing, you should have been dressed more appropriately.” I gave her a loving smile and then returned to my story.

“So here I was, a twenty-six year old swami, wearing orange Speedos, eating cherries on the beach next to a beautiful woman with long blond hair taking off her clothes. All I could think about was what the other monks would say. To make matters worse,” I held up my hands into a small rectangle, “her yellow bikini was about this big.”

Radha began to blush and the participants broke into another round of uncontrollable laughter. I felt pleased that everyone was enjoying my anecdote and waited until they calmed down before continuing.

“What was going on deep inside was something serious, though. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Even though there was no one else on the beach, Little Gary was concerned with what people would think. Sound familiar to anyone?” A woman in the front row playfully nudged the man beside her.

“Looks like you two know what I'm talking about.”

“Yeah,” she answered. “Larry and I were talking about how that comes up a lot in our relationship.”

“How so?” I asked.

Larry answered, “Sometimes it’s hard for me to open up to Cathy.”

“What happens when you experience that feeling?”

“I try to figure it out myself,” he said.

Cathy elaborated, “He stops communicating.”

“That,” I replied, “is a very common strategy. Each of us has a default when that insecure place gets activated. That day on the beach, my initial strategy was to divert my attention, but the thoughts about Radha and what people would think just wouldn’t go away. Does anyone have any idea what my next strategy was?”

Larry replied, “Blame her?”

“Exactly,” I answered in an exaggerated voice. “It was her fault, and I started rattling off all the reasons in my head: Why was she breaking the rules anyway? She should know better. I had specifically pointed out during orientation that public areas were off limits. This entire beach is empty. Why is she sitting so close to me?”

I paused and took a sip of water. “And then came the ultimate injury – she actually had the nerve to ask me to go swimming with her.”

“I didn’t ask you to go swimming!” Radha interjected.

“You said it, hon. I know you did.”

She gave me a dubious grin.

“So," I continued, "here she is playing in the surf while I'm sitting on my orange towel - chewing each cherry carefully, spitting the pit into my brown paper bag, and furiously repeating my mantra. When I look up, I see Radha walking back to the shore and I realize she's naked...”