Swami and the Married Woman: Disagreements Are Invitations To Go Beyond Our Stories

Recently on our Facebook page (Gary Gopal Radha Bello) a fellow yogi named Lawrence, who also lived at the Integral Yoga Institute in New York City back in 1972, took a strong position against my posting an Earth Day prayer to mother nature. I was shocked by the firestorm that followed:

the conversation looked like this at times

Forty postings later, I was delighted by the many different stories contributed by various other friends and acquaintances. It had never occurred to me that there is an entire segment of the population that considers it “idolatrous” to appreciate the feminine force behind creation.

The good news is that, in spite of the controversy, Lawrence appreciated my relaxed style of engaging him about the issue. Although I agreed with the reactions from most of the people sharing their points-of-view, I had no intention of preventing Lawrence from sharing his comments on my profile page. Rather than being closed-minded or dogmatic, my wife and I invite those who disagree with us to share their ideas - we learn so much from these interactions.

As the debate continued, I was reminded of our days in Vermont during the 80’s and 90’s when we directed our non-profit meditation retreat center. More than a few of our students were critical of our propensity to spend time with those who did not follow our life style nor beliefs. We explained that these individuals tested and challenged our commitment to the practices, and that we actually experienced a deeper understanding and appreciation of our own path when questioned by others. How can we grow if we only associated with individuals who agreed with us?

We discovered early on in our practices that disagreements were invitations to go beyond our stories, so Radha and I have trained ourselves (with the assistance of mentors like Swami Satchidananda, Ron Kurtz, and others) to pay attention and notice our reactions to opposing views. We respond by pausing whenever we find ourselves stuck in an opposing story during a disagreement. The last thing we want is to have our stories prevent us from remaining open to opposing viewpoints – without making the other person wrong. Our Enlightening Moments relationship tools have proven to be a valuable asset to the individuals, couples, and groups we coach.

a Blissful Disagreement in action

Avoiding disagreements, or forcing your opinion on others prevents us from learning and growing. Think of a surfer sitting on his board in a wave-less ocean – she may be floating steady, but I would hardly call it surfing. We view disagreements as the huge swells that challenge us to move beyond our comfort zone. Our spiritual practices and our life experiences have taught us the importance of staying open-minded when disagreements arise.

For us, conflicts are invitations to notice the self-limiting nature of our stories. If everyone agreed it would be dull world, and we would remain stagnated in the illusion that we were a finished product rather than a growing, living organism. This posture of curiosity and acceptance of opposing views has added to our success, and that has kept us young in thought, open to new ideas, and always available for a passionate debate or disagreement.

Try the following exercise as a means to experience a disagreement as an invitation to go beyond your story:

Remember the last time you had a strong disagreement with a business associate, friend or family member. Determine the actual facts of the situation (as in who said what), and then, get clear about why you reacted. Your reaction is what we call your story. Finally, ask yourself what was the invitation hidden in that situation?