Swami and the Married Woman: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

I sat down last evening in front of my computer to connect with our Tuesday evening meditation group in Florida. In spite of the 3 hours time difference, and more than 3000 miles between us, I felt as close to them as ever, and we continued our study of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras. This text has survived more than two thousand years, and it explains how the mind – as an instrument of perception – gives rise to the sense of individuality.

By observing the mind, we come to know that we are not the mind, but rather pure consciousness itself. Think of your hand for a moment and ask the question: "Am I observing my hand or am I my hand?" Most of us will readily recognize that we are not the hand, but that we have a hand. The same is true with the mind. After nearly forty years of practice, I have become completely convinced of this fact. There is a place of perfect stillness, beyond thought, emotion and memory, pain and pleasure. This is the state called mediation, and I have found it to be the most effective method of surfing the inevitable waves of emotions we experience in life.

By transcending our individual consciousness and merging into something beyond, we experience peace. And each time we return, it helps us to see the perfection in all the pain and suffering that comes with individual existence. I have found no exceptions to this, and even the passing of my mother last year, although profoundly sad, was strangely perfect. There was deep sorrow, but also peace and acceptance.

When we're not connected to this place inside us, we experience fear. Over the past year, this is an emotion I've gotten to know really well as I've had to confront how many things in my life lie almost entirely outside of my control. Besides my Mom's passing, Radha had her final ear operation this past December, and for months I couldn't shake the intense feeling that she wouldn't survive the operation. I finally allowed myself to consider how I would go on with out her. Priorities shifted, and my love for her deepened beyond comprehension. I wanted to explore every facet of this fear and did not to use my mediation practice to try to transcend it. I decided for the first time in my life to make friends with fear.

I practiced preparing for the moment when I will pass from this physical reality back in 1972, when I studied at the Buddhist Dharma Center in Montreal. Yet, twenty-eight years later, it seemed more immanent. As the date for her operation grew closer, I was confronted by a dilemma: Radha needed my assurance that everything was going to be okay, but I was allowing myself to experience the fear of losing her. Fortunately our relationship is strong, and I was able to be there for her while still sharing with her the fear we both felt.

During the operation I was allowed to stay in the room where she would later recover. I quietly meditated and called out to friends around the US and Canada. The fear was powerful, and I kept open to it without being overwhelmed. I stayed present to the emotion just as I would comfort a scared little kid. Thankfully the operation was a success, but the knowledge remained that one of us will almost certainly outlive the other.

As my wife recovered with the loving care of our entire meditation community in South Florida, I strangely could not shake the feeling. Fear still held a fascination with me, but I did nothing to stop it, choosing intead to fully explore the depth of its offerings. For many months afterwards I allowed myself to breathe deeply into this amazing emotion. I made friends with it.

It is now May, and we have returned home to Vancouver after a successful season in our other home in the States. For the first time in the eight years of spending time in this wonderful city, Radha and I presented a program that would introduce ourselves to the community by offering a program called "The Three Biggest Blunders Facing You In All Your Relationships."

Fear tagged along with me that night, and even though I felt disappointed by my own performance, Radha was there to help make the night a special event. It was then that I finally embraced fear as a true friend. After a full year of remaining present and available to this important emotion, the fear dissolved into a feeling that everything is now perfect once again.