second excerpt from Chapter 1: "He Says, She Says"

“… Gary left his monastic vows in 1977 to marry his wife Radha, the lovely woman who captured the swami’s heart. They have been married nearly thirty years and travel the world teaching yoga and meditation. Together they lead seminars and help others to grow by sharing their relationship tools. So without further delay, I now present to you our dear friend Gary ‘Gopal’ Bello.”

I stood up and began making my way from the audience to the stage. Although outwardly calm, I felt taken aback by Robert’s introduction. Radha was not the reason I left my monastic vows, and as soon as the words left his mouth I felt a tightness in my chest. The walk to the front of the auditorium allowed me time to recover, and I lengthened my exhalations as I walked up the steps . A large black armchair with a small table and bouquet of flowers occupied the middle of the stage, and I sat down pulling my legs into a cross-legged position. As Robert clipped a lapel microphone to my purple shirt, I looked out at the room. It was the first time I had spoken at Satchidananda ashram in over twenty-five years, and I didn’t want my reaction to prevent me from connecting with the audience.

I spent the next hour recounting my introduction to yoga and the early days of the Integral Yoga Institute with my teacher Swami Satchidananda. The audience enjoyed my tales of the early Seventies and anecdotes of India, and my mind let go of Robert’s comment until later that night.

“Can you believe he said that?”

My wife and I were in bed, reviewing our financials. We were closing on a house in Vancouver in April, but our home in Florida had been sitting without an offer for more than a year. Carrying a second mortgage was going to be cutting it close. “Said what?” I asked.

“That I was the reason you stopped being a swami.”

“I'm sure he was only trying to pay you a compliment. Robert has a good heart.” I returned my attention to the paperwork and the room fell quiet. Too quiet.

“Hon, I want to talk about this.”

I recognized the sound of a hurt little girl in my wife’s voice, and I set aside the notepad. “Wow, it really touched something deep, didn’t it?”

“Of course it did. How would you like it if people had been repeating rumors about you for the past thirty years?”

“I don’t think it’s really as bad as that is it?”

“Obviously it is or else Robert wouldn’t have brought it up in front of two hundred people. He knows we’re teaching first thing in the morning, and now everyone’s going to be looking at me like I'm the woman who swooped in and carried off their precious Swami Sudhananda.”

Radha was more affected than I had initially realized. “I reacted for a moment too, hon.”

“Really? You couldn’t tell from the audience.”

“Well, it was subtle, but it was there.”

“What happened with you?”

I tossed the pillow to the foot of the bed and positioned myself so that I was directly across from Radha. I looked her in the eyes as I began, “When Robert made that comment, I noticed a definite tightness in my chest.”

“Me, too.”

“I didn’t want people to blame you for my decision to leave my vows.”

Radha thought for a moment. “Did I?”

“No. I wanted out before I met you, but I hadn't made a decision.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I was afraid of being rejected by Swamiji. You remember the shape I was in when I showed up at the dome. All I could think about was how to leave the vows without being kicked out of the organization.”

“That’s how I remember it too, but I wasn’t sure if it still looked that way in retrospect.”

“It does, but I had an issue with Robert introducing you as the woman who ‘captured my heart.’ It happened in the blink of an eye, and my mind created a story that I had to set the record straight.”

“I'm glad you didn’t take that route.”

“I learned a long time that you don’t need me to defend you.” Gopal took my hand. “What happened with you?”

Radha responded, “I got pissed. I felt attacked. It felt like they believed it was my fault.”

“You didn’t believe that story did you?” I gently asked.

“Now that you mention it, I guess I did. I've been thinking about his comment for the past two hours.”

“I wonder what the issue is underneath?”

Radha closed her eyes and took another deep breath. The intonation of her voice changed as she whispered, “I felt judged.”